


Everything is fine.

by antpelts



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: M/M, Spoilers for Entry #80 and on, just a little something, mention of nightmares, mention of pills, mention of smoking, mention of throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-19
Updated: 2014-10-19
Packaged: 2018-02-21 16:03:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2474132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antpelts/pseuds/antpelts





	Everything is fine.

_Everything is fine._

For the most part it was. Life went on. Packs of cigarettes ran out and were replenished. Pill bottles went empty and were replaced. Jobs came and went for a while. But overall, everything was fine.

There were nights when he woke up and his ears were ringing and he couldn't help but think it was all his fault as he stumbled into the bathroom. His stomach would roll whether he remembered Brian's body or Jay's body. He'd throw up regardless of who he remembered. He even threw up when he remembered Alex's blood on his hands. The toilet would be cold under the grip of his fingers and he sit like hat for hours. Or until the smell got to him. 

But Tim was fine.

Sure he missed the way Brian would smile and hold his hand. He missed the subtle dates and then the less subtle ones. He missed the way he'd get him to try new things. But hell, he also missed Jay. The way they'd share a cigarettes some night locked up in a hotel room. He missed the smoke floating between them and filling up their lungs when they kissed. He even missed the fighting and the rough kissing afterwards.

Brian was not like Jay. Jay was not like Brian. But as Tim was taking a drag off his cigarette, sitting on the edge of the tub, he decided it was okay that way. Because it was fine.

He was going to tell himself that until it became true.

Sometimes he would wake up from a dream that left him shaking. His shoulders would tremble and his fingers would too as he lit a cigarette. He'd suck down the smoke until he was wheezing and crying. Sometimes it was too much to handle and he'd be coughing and coughing and he'd put the cigarette out before he accidentally caused a fire. 

He knew there was no reason to carry Jay's camera anymore. But he'd remember the way Jay's fingers would wrap around it and he'd move his until he was holding it the same way. Sometimes he didn't even record anything. It was a coping thing. 

Or, at least he told himself that. 

In reality things weren't..fine. Of course not. He still didn't sleep and smoked even more. He woke up shaking and barely ate. Work was a hassle but he managed. He managed because he remembered everything and just knew he had to. After all of that he couldn't just give up, it wasn't really an option. It crossed his mind but he knew that wouldn't change anything.

He wished Jay was there with him. Tim eventually came to realize that the whole becoming a weird guy in a sweatshirt did change his thoughts about Brian. But, hell, Jay had changed too. For some reason though he knew who he'd have back out of the two. It wasn't as much as a question anymore.

When he started to smoke more cigarettes he was reminded a bit of both Jay and Brian. Brian had tried to get him to quit before but Jay knew that smoking was just something he did. They had a lot of those unspoken situations going on. Jay didn't tell Tim to stop and Tim didn't stop Jay from snatching his cigarette to take a drag. Although, he didn't know why Jay did it, he just ended up coughing.

Maybe he was trying to get used to the taste of smoke because when they kissed in hotel rooms Tim always tasted like smoke. Tim couldn't remember what Jay tasted like. He couldn't remember what Jay smelled like either, when they were curled around each other, unable to find sleep. 

There was something unhealthy about how he dwelled on it. It was one thing to dwell on a healthy relationship and it was another to dwell on whatever Jay and Tim had. Sure, if things had been different they could have worked better. There was nothing healthy about how Jay would ignore him and how they would fight sometimes. It wasn't all bad though.

There were times where Jay and Tim would curl up together, lips pressing kisses all over cheeks and foreheads. Jay's hat would be barely hanging onto to Tim's head and arms would wrap around each other. But they would never have normal. They would never truly have the happiness, they never did. 

These things kept Tim up, curling up tight on top of his blankets. 

One night Tim was sat in front of the toilet. His stomach was still rolling as his head pounded and his fingers shook as he flicked on the lighter. He wouldn't really call himself a liar. But he sat there, the room smelled of vomit and smoke, his legs were falling asleep. Maybe he was.

Because, hell, this was not normal. It wasn't normal to take pills as much as he did it wasn't healthy to smoke that much or sleep that little. It wasn't good to be unable to hold a job, to be unable to leave his home.

It was not normal to suffer from such violent nightmares. It was not normal to suffer so much. 

Everything was not fine.


End file.
